Caring too mcuh

somewhere along the line I started caring too much what other people think. Mostly about actions. Why this college, why this career track, oh you should stay with that.

Normally I wouldn't let them get to me. But now I see the cracks in that façade. I love photography but I don't want to be doing just that for the rest of my life. Yesterday I had a panic about seeing myself stuck with doing photoshoots for shit I hated. I don't want to be stuck with that. I want to do ad design. Unfortunately my college doesn't offer ad design. I can, however, cross register. I feel directionless.

I found a catalog from my second photography exhibition. It was a big deal and it still is. But for me, that's it. That is probably the most impressive thing I have to show. I was burnt out by the end of it, not because of all the work and preparation that went into it (I loved it, actually) but because of a couple disparaging comments from my ex's dad and a fight afterward with both. I gave up. I was defeated. I lost all passion and I wish I hadn't let it get to me, but when you place trust and vulnerability into someone, you expect a reasonable understanding.

I do the same shit every day. I don't go out because I feel like I could be doing more. Even though I now know that I can go out and do otherwise, I still feel like I can be more efficient and helpful if I'm at home. I'm tied to a dog who doesn't listen to me and one of four cats that, if left unsupervised, will eat all manner of inedible items. I feel like I need to save money because yes, for the third fucking year in a row, I'm incomeless. Unemployed. I feel like a shitbag. Yes, the market sucks, yes everyone's being extremely selective, but that doesn't matter to me because I'm still UNEMPLOYED.

I want to get out, but a lot of the things I want to do aren't that fun alone. Friends are traveling, friends are getting consumed by summer classes. But I need to get out. I don't need a repeat of what happened in 2005 when I blocked myself off from the world in a last-ditch effort to stop suffering from panic attacks.

hint: it didn't work.

what am I so afraid of?