Oops.

Well, last night did it. Or rather, the deep fried tofu did it. I started feeling it on the Bay Bridge and drove myself to El Cerrito before I finally injected myself. "Furious Angels" played as I pulled off of the Potrero exit. I rolled in front of the Super 8 and uncapped the epipen. I'd been second guessing myself all the way home--just a little longer and I'll be fine. And then I realized no, I had to do it. That is WHY I have one.

cause love like a knife in the back's caught me down and I'm bleedin', yeah I'm bleedin'!

Oh yeah, I screamed. I didn't know what to expect. I didn't feel the needle, but oh boy I sure felt it afterwards. I felt like I could throw cars. My hands tingled. My leg hurt.

My god, that stuff works fast.

Nostalgia

The Mario Galaxy 2 soundtrack got me all nostalgic for Disneyland family vacations.

...Fuck.

Work Memories

Six years ago today I got my first job. Wow, was it really that long ago? A golden day in May, just like today. I was on top of the world. I was almost done with 7th grade and rocking all my work. I would finish in an hour or less (to my and my parents' utter surprise) and play Perfect Dark until it was time to sleep. Oh, how good life was. A job, a real one, with payroll and lunch breaks and a boss, not some lawnmowing or babysitting job where I'd awkwardly wait around for the adult to dig out his or her wallet and extract some cash. No, this was a real job. $8.50 an hour was nothing to sneeze at.

I was excited. Real responsibilities. Running errands in the city--alone! Cashing MY paycheck! It gave me a feeling of independence. I've always hated asking for money. I was my own personal ATM. The First Bank of Lizz. And what would a 13-year-old buy? Video games... and the occasional splurge. At 14 I purchased my very own Burberry cashmere muffler. Brick red, of course. And on sale, too. Not that it made that much of a difference. It was the first expensive thing I've ever bought to wear. I loved (and still love) that scarf. I look at it and remember when it was new--before I had to get two pinholes rewoven, before the tag fell off and I sewed it back on, before the fringe twisted itself into dreadlocks. I remember the optimism, the joy, the power.

Adrenaline Junkie

I would describe myself as an adrenaline junkie. At 13 I entertained motorcycle fantasies sitting in traffic in San Francisco on my way home from work. I imagined myself zipping through traffic drawing the ire and jealousy of Commuter McEverymen in their cars. I took crazy bike rides down steep hills, through rain and hail.

I wonder if adrenaline junkies can get a fix from epipens. Three years after initially developing my deadly shellfish allergy, I finally went to the doctor to get an epipen. I used to be fine with eating food fried in the same oil as shellfish, but that all changed a couple weeks ago. The reaction is nowhere near as severe as if I ate shellfish (anaphylactic shock--I will puke everywhere first and then start swelling up) but it came on fast. Telltale nausea, itchy throat... all that good stuff.

Nothing is more terrifying than feeling your blood pressure drop. It's like riding an elevator too fast and you can tell what's coming.

I have two epipens and a training pen which has no needle or epinephrine. I was trying to use the training one and kept wimping out when it came to step 2, "Swing and push firmly into thigh."

Swing? Excuse me? I swing a baseball bat and I can swing a mean punch, but I am not swinging an autoinjector needle into my poor baby thigh.

After a few tries rife with wimping out I finally did it. And boy, you have to hit it hard. Here's to hoping I don't need it.

The Word

I've been home for a week and already a lot has happened. I applied to Trader Joe's, applied for a fit model position at Charlotte Russe (got turned down--too skinny and too chesty... they want people who are more or less within the exact measurements), and my parents are getting divorced.

...what.

One of these things is not like the other. Yeah. It would have been 27 years this year, but people change. I can't say it wasn't unexpected. A lot happened in a year when they first started having problems. It makes a lot of things clearer. And in a way it's good to have confirmation. Yes, it's tough, but it's for the better. Both of them went to therapy but neither went far enough to compromise. Yesterday morning it hit me. All the pictures of us as a family up on the walls. It seems like a betrayal to me. So I had my angry moments. I threw some patio furniture around. I beat up on some old wood outside. I screamed so hard I puked up breakfast. And then I felt better.

Last night was the first night I've left the house since I got home. All I'd been doing was cleaning the house, cleaning up my shit, and cleaning up more shit. I knew I needed some time to be hedonistic and selfish so I packed it up and went to hang with G.

Escape is good. It's not like there's World War III at my house but I'm sick of being in my box empire.

Success!

I got the two-day job! Just as I was getting ready to go to Crossroads I got the call. The best part is hearing "Would you like to take it?"

YES YES YES PLEASE OF COURSE GIVE ME NOW.

I mean "Yes, I would like to work this job."

Tomorrow I have an interview for a payroll position. I skipped around Rockridge today, even in the pouring rain. My flats filled up with water, but I didn't care. A few stores were hiring but they ALL want retail experience, in which I am sadly lacking.

A Funny Coincidence.

On my way back from G's Sunday I had to get some gas. Getting from Healdsburg to Oakland is a little intense, but I've done crazier things on less gas. I made it to San Rafael before I decided to fuel up. It seems the universe had other ideas.

I fought with 3 different gas pumps at 3 different stations in San Rafael. Conceded victory to pump #3 at station 3, which only gave me $3.33 of gas.

Something tells me the number 3 is very important right now.

The Wish List

I'm going to start small here. Little things. I don't want a Bugatti or a strand of Mikimoto pearls or even a deluxe espresso machine.

First off, I'd like a job. I'm applying for a two-day summer job at my college. Included in this will be driving a golf cart. Next to a motorcycle, a golf cart is a vehicle I've always wanted to drive. I'm also applying for a 10hr/week payroll position on campus which would go all summer. Decidedly less interesting than driving a golf cart for two days, but hey, a job is a job to me right now.

This job will help me attain my next wishes. I want a tattoo. I'm undecided on which one I'd like to get first--either Mr. Saturn fishing for birdies or the Little Prince's beloved flower. The flower would be on the inside of my right arm, Mr. Saturn would be on my right calf.

I also desire to stretch my ears. Nothing extreme, just a nice 6g or 4g. At around 18g-16g now I have a little bit to go before I get to enjoy the pretty plugs.

I have the whole summer ahead of me.